Empty feelings
As I sat beside my nephew. I realize now, that I have grown old with passing time. I have not had the sense of accomplishment in a very long time. I am wasting my life away. We all grow up, just to survive I this world. Perhaps the thought of eternal salvation in the afterlife may be true, for we slog this earthly life off just for the sake of living. I am drowning in my own thoughts. I want to just break free from everything.

Anything to say ? just shoot
People usually say, think before you speak. Yes, that is true but it depends on the context, situation you're in.
I once asked a question on facebook, "how do i find my real self?". My cousin replied, "if you have to find your true self, then you have failed even when you think you have found it". Well, somewhere along that line haha.
When i first read the reply he wrote, i was left dumbfounded. I didnt understand the meaning behind what he said. But as time went by, i realise, it wasnt that hard to understand. Basically, my inferred meaning of his reply was that, if i had to find myself, if i had to think very hard before any actions were taken or words were spoken, i am not really being myself.
I cant say for sure that my character up till now was molded more by nature or nurture. I really do wish to know my true self. Then again, i am what i am. I am myself, right here right now at this very moment. Every action i take or decision i make, is ultimately me.
Another friend once told me, what makes us, truly us. He said, it is actually a compilation of what we have done throughout our lives, how we react to different people, how we do things according to different situations, that is all us.
Yesterday i tweeted loads of gibberish and i must say, i feel retarded doing so. However, i do not regret writing such stuff as of NOW. i do realise that i might regret writing such idiocy in the future but as of now, i am living through this particular phase of life that i feel comfortable in. We are all currently changing. Though i am already going to be 20 this year, that doesnt mean that i have stopped maturing or developing another psychological shell on top on my existing one. Regrets are regrets for a reason, it is for people to look back and say,"gosh, did i really do that". So instead of regretting what you have done, understand the regret you feel inside of you, because at that very moment when you have done something, you did not think about the consequences, be it good or bad. You are living life as yourself every part of the way, unless you are suffering from some illness or psychological disorder, then i guess thats different.

So, dont live your life, thinking, i should have done this or done that or whatever. The point is, you did not think that way in that particular timeframe and you shouldnt brood over it.

Well looky here, I am back!
While i did say that my previous post would be my last, but i guess, i am back with more things to say.
I did say, that this blog would be bout happy stuff previously and it failed. Therefore i cant promise myself that this time round it wouldn't be the same upset as the last time. But life is too short and i have already made trillions of mistakes, life.

Alright so today i thought bout something new, decided this would be my first reopening post.
Er, well, basically, i think, that, everybody being ugly and everybody being pretty is the same thing.

Lemme just elaborate on that. Take for example, in the world was filled with beautiful people, and another world filled with ugly people. Neither would know the difference between beautiful or ugly. The pretty will have their own definition of beauty and so will the ugly.

But eventually, the ugly will then judge, who is the uglier, which leads to who is the better looking. and so will the beautiful. unless, all of them are equal. if that is the case, then both sides are equal..

(its quite fun debating with oneself)

But i guess, this sort of scenario will never exist. Its funny how, the human mind knows how to depict the difference between ugly and pretty. Nature or Nurture.

er, thats it, pretty simple and light. take care all readers! (in my mind)

The start of the end.
Dear journal, this is the last story that i will be sharing with you.
Its been 1 year 5 months since i started. I never really knew the purpose of having you.
Wished i told you happy story at times, but all i really did was share sad pathetic stories with you. Thanks, you have been a great listener.

But the last post isnt about anything that i can rejoice about, so, sorry that you have to listen to a sad story for a last one.

Aint going to be shy about this post, not going to mention her name, but i guess almost everyone around me knows her.

I have done things in my life that i am not proud of. During my darkest times you were not there. Fine, no worries, had friends that stuck by me. But hey, i am not blaming you.
I have always treated you as my best friend, but its ok if i was just a disposable pawn to you at that time.
I just wanted the friendship i shared with you. But then greed took over me. i liked you. I failed. Well, you said its ok, we can continue to be friends. But you took off. Again, i am not blaming you, its your choice to disappear.

For every year after that, i was like a stranger to you. I have always been asking myself, is there a way to get you back just as a friend. But every time i am on the fucking brink of givin up, you pop up in my life. You wished me on my birthdays, maybe its just that, it was someone's birthday, just wish him. Ok, thats fine.

It was only until june 2010 where we had a conversation. I dont think you know how happy i felt when i could finally talk to you like we used to.

When i came back, a huge crowd went to have dinner together. Valenlyn and you were there.
You and her were not on good terms from the start. Fine, none of my concern. After that, val read through my messages with you and she got fucking pissed. hahaha. When i went back during july 2010, i called you first before i called val. How the fuck did val know i called you first? i dont know? I dont care. To me you were more important than her. Few weeks after i went back, i broke up with her. Did i regret it back then? No. Everyone can name me the bad guy, everyone can say that i was impatient and that i didnt like her enough. Yeah yeah, listening to half of the fucking story and judging based on that.

After that, you starting ignoring me again. COME ON, WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO WRONG?

Maybe you dislike me, maybe i am a fucking irritant, maybe i owe you in my past life, maybe the reason why you ignore me is simply because you dont want to talk to me anymore.
But none of this reasons ever came out from your mouth. I was left to guess why.

Maybe i am a lunatic, every time i see your name i cant help but think.

Finally got a chance to speak to you yesterday, 30/12/2011. I finally asked the questions i have wanted to ask you for so long, the questions i kept inside because i didnt dare to approach you. We always picked up where we left off without talking about the past. Not this time.

I dont care if everything ends. I just want to hear reasons from you. If its as simple as, i dont like you, i will gladly accept that. Dont give me shit like times changed, its simple, but not definitive. I know it seems like i am asking a lot when you dont have to give a shit about me. That is why i can only ask and wait. I know you will not reply to my questions though.

Everyone must be wondering. Why is this idiotic eugene holding on to things from such a long time ago. I am not sorry, i cannot leave things that are unsettled in my life. If there is only one thing i can resolve in this life of mine, it will be this. Sometimes, i think there are some people that can relate to me. Some cant give a fuck about how i feel, i dont blame you. Just accept that this person is the most important friend to me.

New years day is around the corner, this will be my last pitiful post. If i ever try to talk to you again, kill me. Take care in your life, where i've changed, yeah, thats right, i changed.

If i am to be hated by you in the future, so be it,
Because being hated by you and being a stranger to you makes no difference for me.

(no subject)
Still feel insecure as always. Never know when this feeling will subside. Sometimes i wish i can not give a fuck about anything, but its never easy to do so.
Always saying sorry, maybe i am in debt to everyone in this 21st century.

If i had a superpower, i wish i had the power to read peoples minds.

Long time.
Dear journal, it's been a long time since i posted.
Got many stories to share with you, whether you want to or not.

Finally created a youtube channel, hopefully i am going to upload some videos that will bring some entertainment value to people who know me, likewise those who dont.

I am feeling so insecure recently, like a freaking pussy (doesnt really make sense).
After 3 years its still so hard to accept reality as it is. Seeing the dark side of life even once is enough to fuck your mind up so bad.
I know i am no perfect person, i should learn to accept that. But i just feel so down and insecure when it comes to friendship.

I know i am fat and not good looking, it aint easy to go around socializing with girls.
I just want someone special in my life now. I am not sure if i am desperate, i just want a group of people or even one person that i can look forward to meeting up, talking to. But its not easy..

I guess working is one of the ways to take my mind of thinking so much.
Training is another way i guess, it aint easy to lose weight as well.
Sometimes i just wish i was someone great.

Is this all there is to my life.
Someone, anyone, please take a step into my life and light it up. It will be very much appreciated.

Trolllllllllling S3SSI0N
Well, it may be trolling to many of you. I find it rather trollful myself.
Many people say that metal is just a jumble of sounds mixed together.
Well, that the reason why you listens to pop?
Its a pity that your ear is unable to handle the guitars, bass guitar, drums and the singer at the same time.
Ever wonder how fake those people who use auto tune devices are.
When you get onto a metal stage, all you got for backup is your own voice.
I seriously cant understand what skill you need to produce a good song nowadays, because apparently there is no need for talent. Just grab someone off the street and plant an auto tune device in his or her mike, simple.
That saying, Metal rules lml. soisoisoisoisoisoisoisoisoisoisoisoisoisoisoisoisoi

(no subject)
Down with my sensitive nose once again. T M D.
Anyway, going for prawn fishing with ah miao and josh today. Excited, but what if 30 bucks cant get me any prawn. Life
Then going for a barbecue later on in the evening, where i am going to meet some people. All the best.
The family doctor said i would die by 40 if i dont start losing weight now. Army, you got to help me. And of course, i would have to help myself as well.

How hard is it to have a nice conversation with anyone, let alone a girl. you just sound so bored and uninterested sometimes. Guess being fat is not much good anymore.

Planning to start a youtube channel, sounds rather interesting. Spice up my life a little

Dreams what can they mean.
Broke my personal record my dreaming 6 dreams in a row that day.
entertaining but what can they mean.
If only there was a dream expert i could go to.
And, is crying in your sleep normal?

Heard about how snowy really died that day. Eyes turned red immediately. It has been so long but you are still dearly missed. Staring at your urn is a hard thing to do. Sometimes i just laze around waiting for you to crawl out. Want to help you bath also no chance.

Recently, all has been going pretty alright.. i mean nothing out of the blue, except for today i guess.

Being humble is a good thing, arrogance..

There are many stuff in life that you want to know, but you just cannot know. Curiosity.

After all this time, its still appearance that matters right, no appearance no talk. There is no point in being someone nice. Try being nice without the looks wont bring you anything.
Company is what i am looking for, someone special. so hard to get.

If everybody let nature take its course, then is everybody just going to be sitting ducks?

Hope to go ns real soon, come out less fat and attempt to seek and destroy

Nice to be back in Singapore.
So easy to meet up with friends.
So easy to get food.
Hot weather though.
I dont really know what is going on in my life right now.
I know i have to study maths again.
but the rest.. i am just not sure, i wish there was a plan worked out for me.
18 years old, how can that be right haha.
Guess i really have to start planning my future.
There are still quite a handful of people i havent met up with.
Some i am really not sure if i can, 1 year changes people by a lot.
And some people just dont want to see the likes of me ever again.
just can satisfy everyone because everyone has different wants.


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